my brain just threw up a little…

August 22, 2019

You asked if I know how easy it is to buy shoes for little girls.

Easy. You pick out the cheapest pair. Anything else they pick gets banned because “makes you look fat, kiddo”
And that’s how you end up in a lowest rated retirement community in southern Ohio, daily dose of oatmeal, non-stop cnn, gassy Marge from Savoki, IL trying to hold hands with you after diaper change, and a 94 years young Frank who is still selling cemetery lots to old people, regardless of being in full knowledge that aforementioned land is in care of Chrysler corp and is used for a stamping plant since 1965.
Franks’ sales would do better if he wasn’t prone to randomly muttering “right in da fuckin kistah!” while presenting options to perspective buyers.

August 14, 2019

You’d think I shat on their counter while puppet-talking with my inappropriates.

So I messed up my lower back a couple of days ago. I have no idea how I managed to do that. One minute everything is fine and I am sweating over some woodworking project in my garage. Next minute I am waking up from dozing off in my chair in front of my computers and … and my lower back is screaming agony. I remember sitting down. I was fine. When I woke up I was no longer fine. My movement was suddenly restricted to an old man shuffle, and sitting down or standing up suddenly became a pain-filled five minutes long episode of heroic struggle through clenched teeth and choked tears (very hollywooded hero like). Later that night I tried going to bed and the very attempt at laying down was painful to a point of being nightmarish. The following day I tried getting myself back in some semblance of working or at least functional shape. Hot showers, stretching, rolling on a floor, and taking over the counter meds to help with a massive muscle spasm, all was to naught. So I setup an appointment with a chiropractor who previously helped me. Same day, late in PM. And I contacted my boss to let them know I am not in any shape to come in the following day unless my chiropractor pulls a miracle out of their hat.

I arrived at the chiropractor’s office… stop. let me re-picture this bit.
When I retell my stories I always make it a point to protect the innocent bystanders, and I always try to avoid defaming businesses. I am not going to disclose names of places and businesses involved in this truly idiotic event. Not everyone working at that place deserves my displeasure. Not everyone there is a bad person, and I am sure that whoever started that business did not intend for it to do to their clients what they did to me. Sorry if you do not like it, but it is my blog and these are my rules. Soto protect the innocents I am going to name this chiropractic’s joint a… um… sec, let me see… ah! “Spinal Krackers and Holistic Massage Merchandisers Central.” Or “Holy Krackers” for short.

So, I arrived at Holy Krackers inside two minutes of my scheduled appointment time. It took me a couple of extra minutes to get out of the car because of the sad shape that I was in. At receptionist desk I gave the required information and chatted with the receptionist person. It was the end of their day and I felt obligated to make them smile. Why? Well, that’s one of those things I do, you see? Because life is short, and in some possibly short while you will flatline and start decomposing. All what will be left of you is a decomposing skinsuit, a box of belongings labeled “Estate,” and memories you share with others. Which of these things do you think people will be willing to hold onto? I say it is memories. So I make it a point to create memories that will be worth a damn and will be shared with a happy smile rather than a frown. Mkay? You may create your legacy as a Tyrant, executing millions. I would rather be that guy who says stuff that makes you freeze the day and ponder for a minute with a smile on your face.
So I entertained the tired receptionist person by regaling them the story of Bridge. This poor chap Bridge blew his back out while having a personal sexy time with a screen full of porn. The unfortunate event became public knowledge because his injury coincided with the moment of paraxism (read: he dislocated his back when he gasm’d).
Receptionist was laughing themselves silly. Please note that at no point of time have they said anything that would indicate that what I said was inappropriate and/or unwelcome.
So after the spinal adjustment I spoke with same receptionist again to make a follow-up appointment for next day, showed said receptionist pictures of my dogs, bid my goodbyes, and left the building.

First thing in the morning my phone rings. It is a call from some Angry that works at “Holy Krackers,” and she is telling me that I am no longer welcome in their establishment because my behavior during last visit was extremely inappropriate. Needless to say I was taken aback by this. Mainly because during my last night’s visit there was neither a single complaint nor a request to stop. Receptionist person was laughing so hard they almost cried, which is not indicative of a negative reaction to things being said.
So, naturally, I asked the caller to tell me exactly what it was that was said or done that was inappropriate.
She refused to give any details. She only said that I know what I did. And then should bit off her goodbyes and hung up the phone rather abruptly.
Not being satisfied with this lack of information I immediately tried to call back but no one answered. So I called back after about an hour and got the same lady on the phone. We will say that her name is Flowe. So I asked Flowe The Angry what it was that I have said or done because I think they owe me at least some explanation about their sudden dismissal of a paying client. Again she parroted the same half vague dismissive “you know what you did” and then she added that if I call again they will contact the authorities because my calling them again would constitutes harassment.

I think I am not a bad person. I may be a Sith Lord at heart, sure, but I do not have enough time and resources to return the slight.
If I did… well…
1. Find a printing press in a non-extradition country
2. Print 100,000 quarter-sheet fliers.
3. Airdrop these fliers the day before holiday weekend over our quaint college town by drone.

Fliers should read:
“Spinal Krackers and Holistic Massage Merchandisers Central presents V-Steam by Flowe! Only $9.95/session! Call now to make reservations!”

(and if you do not know what V-Steam is… well, look it up if you must)

Back still hurts. MD hooked me up some muscle relaxants. Now to find an able-bodied person to move a crate of bottled water.

Beware the angries. They will go as far as ignoring your injuries to just show how righteous they are. Sad thing that.

 

 

May 21, 2019

On wars

December 21, 2018

Invisifriend from Happy!

November 28, 2018

random

Filed under: Daily Crazies,immortalized (™),lawls,QOTD,random crazies — Sol @ 1:16 pm

It is not lingerie, it is denture-floss

October 11, 2018

UTI

Filed under: lawls,random crazies — Sol @ 11:26 am

One way to make your doctor a wee bit concern is to hand them a urine sample they cannot see through.

 

September 26, 2018

You are what you eat, right?

Filed under: Daily Crazies,lawls,QOTD,random crazies — Sol @ 12:38 pm

John:
I quit smoking. Eight days now

Me:
oh! well done you
patch?

John:
Cold turkey; I got really sick last week and basically slept for a bit over 24 hours straight. After that I was like, meh, made it this far.

Me:
makes sense
feeling better?

John:
yarr

Me:
excellent, soon enough you will start jogging
and yoga
and lifting

John:
hahaha

Me:
and get healthy
and start travelling
and end up in some port in Micronesia
perched atop some bench
and locals will mistaken you for a bird, clock you over the head with a club studded with sharks teeth, and eat you.
Very healthy bird.

John:
That sounds rather painful XD

Me:
nah, you will live on as essence with tribal leaders
Your left buttock which will be eaten by Mrs Gurgle (shaman’s wife) will actually make history.
After the rest of the humanity will perish in nuclear fire, your bum will live on with child of a child of a child of a child of Mrs Gurgle. That child will have the spirit of your left buttock and will be the leader of the free world. (only a lot less Trumpy).
Interestingly enough, at about the same time there will be a rise of mutated sentient sharks. No one will know why these sharks build underwater monuments dedicated to their deity, and why these monuments so strongly resemble a pair of feet attached to a relatively small torpedo.
(Yes, there are some things cannibals just do not eat and throw overboard of their canoes)
(I bet when you woke up this morning you didn’t think that this will be a topic for some dudes’ fevered imaginative speculations, eh?)

June 23, 2018

If I told you it was a long story, you still won’t believe me.

Filed under: Daily Crazies,immortalized (™),lawls,pranks — Sol @ 3:20 pm

June 21, 2018

co-worker’s birthday

Filed under: lawls,pranks — Sol @ 11:00 am

I can’t think of anything appropriate to do to him
I mean… I CAN, but it involves a suitcase, 17mm box wrench, Happy anniversary card, a ball of twine, raw egg, lighter fluid, and eventual police sirens. Which makes it not really appropriate for the work environment, see?
oh, and one of those mini-cupcakes with a pair of chopsticks
hey, I wasn’t the one who invented this prank, so I cannot take any credit for it.
Original was setup by Usul-bey during 1812 Turkish campaign on the west side of Bofort pass, and resulting effect gave most the modern day Bulgarian population a persistent stutter.

May 17, 2018

Sleepwalking

Filed under: Daily Crazies,dreams,immortalized (™),lawls — Sol @ 6:12 pm

sleepwalking
because that’s some dangerous crap, man
going to bed at a regular hour
all appears to be well
suddenly you wake up
to find yourself fully dressed, standing in your neighbor’s bathtub, and your entire right hand is clenched into a fist inside a jar of peanut butter
and the neighbour lady tells the cops “But he said he is going to sing!”
now, that makes for all sorts of awkward experience

(From an earlier conversation with a coworker)

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