my brain just threw up a little…

February 28, 2018

Cyborg VS Kunitskaya

Filed under: Daily Crazies,immortalized (™),lawls,QOTD — Sol @ 8:06 pm

Coworker tells me about the two female MMA fighters.
Another shows me their action shots.

“you know its’ bad when they are dripping testosterone, squirt like blood sprinklers, and growl as if they are passing a stool of a three-legged pub variety, right?”

February 22, 2018

tapioca pudding

Filed under: Daily Crazies,immortalized (™),lawls,random crazies — Sol @ 3:30 pm

face-cake-snot

February 14, 2018

Do goats eat pineapple?

Populate newly terraformed Moon with spacesuit wearing goats.
Build a cannon atop of an active volcano.
Use volcano’s energy to shoot frozen pineapples at the Moon.
Use surplus goat-shit to manufacture explosives.
Use explosives to shoot surplus goat-cheese back at Earth.
Farming is now a Space Program.
Profit.

February 12, 2018

iSuppose

Filed under: Daily Crazies,immortalized (™),lawls — Sol @ 12:21 pm

“Elegant piece of futuristic equipment with a solitary control (available in four popular colors). When activated it emits a sonorous chime followed by ever depressing exhalation of dismay and existential dread.”
(From an earlier conversation with a co-worker)

December 25, 2017

Moral fiber

I wonder if people realize that their moral fiber should be used to justify retribution when needed, and it is not the kind of fiber that should justify them shitting their pants.

December 22, 2017

Trolling in 1898.

This old cobbler died and when his friends and family were at a wake his apprentice came by and quietly sat at his casket. He pulled this odd little tool out of his pocket and laid it in the crook of the dead man’s folded arm. Tool looked like a well worn screwdriver with some kind of bracket and a hook on the shaft. Relatives present asked what this was about, and the aprentice told them that this is some tool this man was using for work, hence all the wear and tear on the handle.
A few minutes later dead man’s wife returned from her conversation with some other relative and saw the little gadget. She smiled at the aprentice and hugged him. And told him that it is a fantastic gesture, but she would really want this odd little gadget to be in a museum since there are so very few of those gadgets left in the world, now that there are machines for making shoes. And so it was agreed, and she took the gadget to a local museum, where a wisened old historian thanked her and made it a point to invite her to the museum when the odd little gadget was placed on the wall in a heavy red-wood case with a plaque explaining what this is and with the picture of the now dead cobbler.
In 1989 I was friends with a young historian who was working at that museum. She brought me over to show me the silly gadget and to show me the procedure for cleaning it.
The amount of attention she was giving this trinket was almost awe-inspiring.
I watched her treat this 100yr old tool like soldiers handle their weapons, or how a master craftsman would treat a piece of equipment their lives depended on.
In my head something about this gadget did not quite match up, something was a miss.
So I described this funny little gadget to this old relative of mine. Chap was in his 90s. So he noded, put the scetch down, and said that he knows the gadget.
I was at once relieved, and thought myself a fool for having the doubts. Who am I to doubt wisened old historians?
So the old fellow said that he too has one of those very similar looking gadgets. I was elated at prospect of seeing one of those misterious gadgets.
I asked the man how he got it.
Instead of answering he flipped it over and at once I saw a stamp in German. I immediately assumed that it was German. He said that the trinket was Austrian.
And then he told me that I was wrong to think that this was a cobbler tool
I think I gave him a funny stare because he was starting to smile.
And so he told me that that Apprentice must’ve had a great sense of humor
… because the gadget was a can-opener.

Moral of this story is: know your shit, or you will be polishing a dead man’s tool for a hundred years.

December 14, 2017

New OS drive by Jesus

Filed under: Daily Crazies,lawls,QOTD,random crazies — Sol @ 11:12 am

Me: I have a new OS drive for your homebox.
Friend: Woah. Thank you. Tell me how you finagled this magic.
Me: I did not, but I’ll tell you who did. Ready for this?
Friend: Unlikely, but go on.
Me: JESUS.
Friend: That made me lol.
Me: Boss came up, handed me the SSDs (I have two), and said “Merry Xmas”  –  I blame Jesus

December 8, 2017

From an earlier conversation with a friend

Friend: “i’m going to try to figure out how to log that last call, it was complicated and too much thing in it.”

Me: Start with “His deep raspy voice had a calm of of italian leather with a hint of sandalwood and a calm confidence of consonants in the word guillotine. My breath shorted out the phoneline. It was 10 AM…”

November 30, 2017

from an earlier conversation with a coworker

5yr old saying “Snoopy is what?…”
and mom goes “Dead. Stone-cold fucking dead. Went to meet his maker. Seized to be. Snoopy is no more. Snoopy is an ex-snoopy. You know how you go to sleep, and then you wake up? It’s kinda like that, only without waking up and with a shovel at the end.”

November 27, 2017

Dear Angry who tried dragging me into mud on FB.

Filed under: Anti-SJW,Daily Crazies,immortalized (™),lawls — Sol @ 10:50 pm

Ah, but you thought wrong.
You invested all this time and effort trying to spite me because it makes you feel better.
And I just slammed the door in your face and ignored your fevered attempts at trying to fling mud.
Kid, you embody almost everything what’s wrong with the feminism in these last thirty years. You are rude, unfair, obnoxious, toxic, petty, entitled, poorly reasoned, hypocritical AF, and to make it all worse – you have convinced yourself in a lie and you choose to continue believing it. I think DSM5 has that listed as a symptom.
You cannot see any of this because you are not very bright. You know a trick or two, you’ve read a book or few. But underneath all that internal struggle you are as shallow as water under the urinal cake. And what’s worse is this stench of convenient lies you were fed by your “reliable” and conveniently anti-me sources. You can’t possibly think of a bias because you are not interested in any bias. You are only interested in your own social standing and your feels. How good will it feel when you rail on this… this… this man.
I will leave you to wallow in your own shit. This is your high point. You are righteous and just and most importantly you have your social support. Good on you, kid. Without your social support, your little gaggle of screeching “friends” whoever, you amass to half-witted ass. Oh dear me… your efforts did pay off! Look! You gave me an inspiration to rhyme something. Amazing…
So much for my rant
I shall never repent
And remain forever a runt
and in my troubled mind
Only this I can find:
You forever remaining a…

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