my brain just threw up a little…

December 14, 2017

New OS drive by Jesus

Filed under: Daily Crazies,lawls,QOTD,random crazies — Sol @ 11:12 am

Me: I have a new OS drive for your homebox.
Friend: Woah. Thank you. Tell me how you finagled this magic.
Me: I did not, but I’ll tell you who did. Ready for this?
Friend: Unlikely, but go on.
Me: JESUS.
Friend: That made me lol.
Me: Boss came up, handed me the SSDs (I have two), and said “Merry Xmas”  –  I blame Jesus

December 8, 2017

From an earlier conversation with a friend

Friend: “i’m going to try to figure out how to log that last call, it was complicated and too much thing in it.”

Me: Start with “His deep raspy voice had a calm of of italian leather with a hint of sandalwood and a calm confidence of consonants in the word guillotine. My breath shorted out the phoneline. It was 10 AM…”

November 30, 2017

from an earlier conversation with a coworker

5yr old saying “Snoopy is what?…”
and mom goes “Dead. Stone-cold fucking dead. Went to meet his maker. Seized to be. Snoopy is no more. Snoopy is an ex-snoopy. You know how you go to sleep, and then you wake up? It’s kinda like that, only without waking up and with a shovel at the end.”

November 16, 2017

Madison says: Wait! Don’t Go. We are the #1 trusted choice for cleaning and restoration services and have been for over 40 years! What services were you considering?

You: how long till your cleaners can get to my place?

Madison says: We have appointment times every day. One of our Customer Care Reps would be happy to help you schedule an appointment.

Madison says: What’s your name, city and phone number? I will have someone contact you as quickly as possible.

You: I just need to know your lead time before I divulge any of my information

Madison says: Speaking with us personally is the fastest way to get service, pricing and all of your questions answered. May I have your phone number?

You: neah. I do not want to give my phone number to someone who can’t be bothered with a simple answer

Madison says: I do apologize, we are currently having trouble with our phones. Please allow us to reach out to you when they are back up.

Madison says: We would gladly provide a FREE, NO-OBLIGATION estimate. Simply CLICK HERE and fill out the short contact form, or call us right now at 855-392-0709. We look forward to speaking with you.

You: lol what’s seven times 3 ?

Madison says: lol 🙂

You: lol?

Madison says: lol 🙂

You: amazing

Madison says: I think you can best be taken care of by one of our team members. Please call us directly at 855-392-0709 or CLICK HERE and we will be able to better assist you.

You: do you sell pants?

Madison says: I really think that one of our specialists (unfortunately, not me) will be able to serve you better. Call us at 855-392-0709 or CLICK HERE to send us your contact information and we will call you right away.

You: you are a bot

Madison says: Of course I’m not real but I wish I were 🙂

Madison says: I can answer most of your questions though.

You: it’s ok, Pinoccio

Madison says: 🙂

You: can you send a transcript of this conversation to my phone?

Madison says: One of our Customer Care Representatives will be happy to assist you.

You: In a few sentences tell me only good things that come to mind about your mother.

Madison says: I am a virtual agent designed to answer commonly asked questions. However, our team members would love to speak with you directly. 855-392-0709

November 13, 2017

Tis the deer season

You can hunt deer with a hammer.
First you build a trebuchet. Sight it on a bait pile. Load trebuchet with a shipping crate loaded with ball-peen hammers. Wait for deer.

Not 100% sure if DNR has any rules prohibiting that.

 

November 10, 2017

oh, Louis C.K.

In order to procreate some people just need a shaved pony, covered in motor-oil, standing on a ladder in the corner of their moldy basement, reading the Greater Chicago White Pages through a ballgag. Different strokes, see? Who are we to judge people’s kink, however twisted it may be?

So I saw Louis C.K. in the news with some allegations against him. Apparently this married dude who has babies or something, has gotten some alleged kink where he wants women watch him masturbate. He propositioned some ladies over the years to watch him masturbate. Now Louis C.K. is on the grill between Kevin Spacey and that Harvey dude.

Let me see if I get this right. Propositioning sex is bad. So if propositioning sex is bad, then how do people get sex? Hookers? Can’t be hookers all the way down! Can we please legalize prostitution? So dudes like Louis could get a great lunch deal. They get to crank one off during hooker’s lunch. She has food while watching him baitin’. Free grub and tip for the hooker. And Louis C.K. is happy and a wee bit out of breath. Everyone wins, see? Alas, no hookers. Man gotta do what a man gotta do – seek out sex. I suppose magical faeries make that sex thing happen, no?
So I asked a friend about that. No snark, just serious wtf are we expected to do? Turns out waiting for the right moment is the answer.

When is the right moment?

After dinner. And after movies. After some level of intimacy has been established.

How do you establish intimacy? (don’t ask for sex. you DO everything for sex. but do not ask for it!)

You act yourself.

But myself wants sex! Then act like you want dinner before anything else.

Alright! I will not impose sex. I’ll sex myself. After dinner. And to make a compromise with myself I will ask this person not for sex, but to watch me sex myself. And I’ll be honest! I’ll just be like “Come to my room and eat tacobell and watch me while I vigorously apply lotion to my schlong. It is not like you have to actually sex at me. Also you get very intimate tacos.”

No, this is not how it works. They will just get offended!

But I am not touching on them. I am not actively making babies with them. I am sexing on my own hand! Where is the harm?!

This is not how it works!

Oh yeah? You like tacobell?

 

./dropmic

October 27, 2017

fictional characters conversation

“Why are you covered in bats?”
“It’s a fistful of lipstick, George!”

from a kid with a blue fauxhawk that had to cost about 3hrs to put up

Filed under: Daily Crazies,immortalized (™),lawls,QOTD,random crazies — Sol @ 1:53 pm

“I do not question my sexuality”

October 24, 2017

new evolutionary step to improve things

Filed under: Daily Crazies,lawls,random crazies — Sol @ 2:14 pm

Nature needs a flying carnivorous moose that is armed with poisonous piss and venomous antlers.

This will shake things up a bit.

 

October 19, 2017

Earlier conversation

Filed under: commentary,immortalized (™),lawls,QOTD,random crazies — Sol @ 1:39 pm

“Talking to her is like chewing toenails. Takes skill and makes you want to leave because everything about her just stinks.”

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