my brain just threw up a little…

September 9, 2019

Dear Comcast…

Dear Comcast,

I feel you. Seriously, I do. I know what it’s like to be taken for granted and only to be remembered when porn suddenly stops. Naturally by the time service is restored and you find yourself running back at your inappropriately moaning terminal so you could save face, only to discover that the lady on your screen didn’t save hers. Have you no sympathy for the fading 30-something dressed up like a little school-girl, who for no other reason but because of the spotty Comcast connection suddenly finds herself in company of very sweaty asian men trying to administer her a devastating enema? What about that perfectly innocent “Mom” trying to clean her daughters’ room? Have you any idea what happened to her? Did you even know that human body can do ALL that inside 14 minutes?

Fix your shit, please. Porn is getting more confusing.

August 22, 2019

You asked if I know how easy it is to buy shoes for little girls.

Easy. You pick out the cheapest pair. Anything else they pick gets banned because “makes you look fat, kiddo”
And that’s how you end up in a lowest rated retirement community in southern Ohio, daily dose of oatmeal, non-stop cnn, gassy Marge from Savoki, IL trying to hold hands with you after diaper change, and a 94 years young Frank who is still selling cemetery lots to old people, regardless of being in full knowledge that aforementioned land is in care of Chrysler corp and is used for a stamping plant since 1965.
Franks’ sales would do better if he wasn’t prone to randomly muttering “right in da fuckin kistah!” while presenting options to perspective buyers.

August 14, 2019

You’d think I shat on their counter while puppet-talking with my inappropriates.

So I messed up my lower back a couple of days ago. I have no idea how I managed to do that. One minute everything is fine and I am sweating over some woodworking project in my garage. Next minute I am waking up from dozing off in my chair in front of my computers and … and my lower back is screaming agony. I remember sitting down. I was fine. When I woke up I was no longer fine. My movement was suddenly restricted to an old man shuffle, and sitting down or standing up suddenly became a pain-filled five minutes long episode of heroic struggle through clenched teeth and choked tears (very hollywooded hero like). Later that night I tried going to bed and the very attempt at laying down was painful to a point of being nightmarish. The following day I tried getting myself back in some semblance of working or at least functional shape. Hot showers, stretching, rolling on a floor, and taking over the counter meds to help with a massive muscle spasm, all was to naught. So I setup an appointment with a chiropractor who previously helped me. Same day, late in PM. And I contacted my boss to let them know I am not in any shape to come in the following day unless my chiropractor pulls a miracle out of their hat.

I arrived at the chiropractor’s office… stop. let me re-picture this bit.
When I retell my stories I always make it a point to protect the innocent bystanders, and I always try to avoid defaming businesses. I am not going to disclose names of places and businesses involved in this truly idiotic event. Not everyone working at that place deserves my displeasure. Not everyone there is a bad person, and I am sure that whoever started that business did not intend for it to do to their clients what they did to me. Sorry if you do not like it, but it is my blog and these are my rules. Soto protect the innocents I am going to name this chiropractic’s joint a… um… sec, let me see… ah! “Spinal Krackers and Holistic Massage Merchandisers Central.” Or “Holy Krackers” for short.

So, I arrived at Holy Krackers inside two minutes of my scheduled appointment time. It took me a couple of extra minutes to get out of the car because of the sad shape that I was in. At receptionist desk I gave the required information and chatted with the receptionist person. It was the end of their day and I felt obligated to make them smile. Why? Well, that’s one of those things I do, you see? Because life is short, and in some possibly short while you will flatline and start decomposing. All what will be left of you is a decomposing skinsuit, a box of belongings labeled “Estate,” and memories you share with others. Which of these things do you think people will be willing to hold onto? I say it is memories. So I make it a point to create memories that will be worth a damn and will be shared with a happy smile rather than a frown. Mkay? You may create your legacy as a Tyrant, executing millions. I would rather be that guy who says stuff that makes you freeze the day and ponder for a minute with a smile on your face.
So I entertained the tired receptionist person by regaling them the story of Bridge. This poor chap Bridge blew his back out while having a personal sexy time with a screen full of porn. The unfortunate event became public knowledge because his injury coincided with the moment of paraxism (read: he dislocated his back when he gasm’d).
Receptionist was laughing themselves silly. Please note that at no point of time have they said anything that would indicate that what I said was inappropriate and/or unwelcome.
So after the spinal adjustment I spoke with same receptionist again to make a follow-up appointment for next day, showed said receptionist pictures of my dogs, bid my goodbyes, and left the building.

First thing in the morning my phone rings. It is a call from some Angry that works at “Holy Krackers,” and she is telling me that I am no longer welcome in their establishment because my behavior during last visit was extremely inappropriate. Needless to say I was taken aback by this. Mainly because during my last night’s visit there was neither a single complaint nor a request to stop. Receptionist person was laughing so hard they almost cried, which is not indicative of a negative reaction to things being said.
So, naturally, I asked the caller to tell me exactly what it was that was said or done that was inappropriate.
She refused to give any details. She only said that I know what I did. And then should bit off her goodbyes and hung up the phone rather abruptly.
Not being satisfied with this lack of information I immediately tried to call back but no one answered. So I called back after about an hour and got the same lady on the phone. We will say that her name is Flowe. So I asked Flowe The Angry what it was that I have said or done because I think they owe me at least some explanation about their sudden dismissal of a paying client. Again she parroted the same half vague dismissive “you know what you did” and then she added that if I call again they will contact the authorities because my calling them again would constitutes harassment.

I think I am not a bad person. I may be a Sith Lord at heart, sure, but I do not have enough time and resources to return the slight.
If I did… well…
1. Find a printing press in a non-extradition country
2. Print 100,000 quarter-sheet fliers.
3. Airdrop these fliers the day before holiday weekend over our quaint college town by drone.

Fliers should read:
“Spinal Krackers and Holistic Massage Merchandisers Central presents V-Steam by Flowe! Only $9.95/session! Call now to make reservations!”

(and if you do not know what V-Steam is… well, look it up if you must)

Back still hurts. MD hooked me up some muscle relaxants. Now to find an able-bodied person to move a crate of bottled water.

Beware the angries. They will go as far as ignoring your injuries to just show how righteous they are. Sad thing that.



May 21, 2019

On wars

May 7, 2019

Breast implants are bad, mmkay?

Filed under: Daily Crazies,random crazies — Sol @ 2:25 pm

Breast implants have zero medicinal value. They are cosmetic. Having a glorious pair of boobs that look stellar outside the package is not at all undesired by those of us equipped with boobs (and by those considering them as a mod). However, breast implants can and often do pose health risk. Cancers and toxic silicon gunking up the boob-werks and whatnot. So how about NOT having fake boobs? I mean, regular plain breast is fine, no really. Some breasts are harder to manage and may require surgical involvement to make life easier for the owner. That too is understandable. But the implants… that’s just silly. People should not be doing that.
Side thought: breast implants can be used to stop violent demonstrations. Airdrop a bunch on violent protesters. Some will get knocked over and will have no reason to get up because they will have all the funbags to play with, and everyone else will stop acting angry because no one can be angry when covered in tits.

May 1, 2019

ask for a pony

Filed under: Daily Crazies,QOTD,random crazies — Sol @ 9:56 am

“It turns out, they don’t allow horses in my apartment building. Even when I try to claim it’s a helper horse”

(co-worker on a Sunday)

March 17, 2019

No, I am not planning on creating that

Filed under: Daily Crazies,gadgets,immortalized (™) — Sol @ 9:46 am

November 28, 2018


Filed under: Daily Crazies,immortalized (™),lawls,QOTD,random crazies — Sol @ 1:16 pm

It is not lingerie, it is denture-floss

November 14, 2018

Dog chili and marmot’s makeup commune

YT [11:26]
Problem with making chili is everything smells like chili for a while
not dog butt!

CW [11:26]

YT [11:26]
Dog butt still smells like dog butt

CW [11:27]
are you trying to say you prefer teh smell of dog butt over chili?

YT [11:27]
oh no, not at all. Only noting that chili doesn’t smell like dog butt. And what’s even better is that dog butt does not smell like chili
Because, you see, if dog butt smells like chili, it would mean that some dog butt ate some chili. And *that* is just dangerous and will kill ALL the grass

CW [11:30]

YT [11:30]
Did you know that during Vietnam war DoD actually had plans to use genetically modified chihuahuas fed chili to defoliate jungle?
Project was in the last development stages when info leaked, and labs got picketed by Green Peace (or some other gang advocating their hippie crap) because flaming chihuahua crap could have devastating effects on the environment.

CW [11:33]
peta didn’t then rescue the chihuahuas and then feed them vegan diets until they died?

YT [11:34]
They even adopted “Do Not Tread on me” flags as means of portraying jungle pythons suffering from heartburn.

CW [11:34]

YT [11:34]
And that’s the best damn story you gonna get out of me today!
That, and the fact that most expensive makeup in the world contains marmot jizz.
You are welcome.

CW [11:36]

YT [11:37]
Remember how in the 60s there were communes of hippies established in various places in Central America?

CW [11:37]
clearly i remember the 60s
and how accurately the world was portrayed in the media then

YT [11:40]
I have it on good authority that one of those communes with ideology steeped in green-peace fart fumes and hashish smoke, actually declared themselves an independent state. Their flag had a marmot humping a purse on it.

CW [11:41]
that’s not too far-fetched from the 60s, i’ll buy it 😀

September 26, 2018

You are what you eat, right?

Filed under: Daily Crazies,lawls,QOTD,random crazies — Sol @ 12:38 pm

I quit smoking. Eight days now

oh! well done you

Cold turkey; I got really sick last week and basically slept for a bit over 24 hours straight. After that I was like, meh, made it this far.

makes sense
feeling better?


excellent, soon enough you will start jogging
and yoga
and lifting


and get healthy
and start travelling
and end up in some port in Micronesia
perched atop some bench
and locals will mistaken you for a bird, clock you over the head with a club studded with sharks teeth, and eat you.
Very healthy bird.

That sounds rather painful XD

nah, you will live on as essence with tribal leaders
Your left buttock which will be eaten by Mrs Gurgle (shaman’s wife) will actually make history.
After the rest of the humanity will perish in nuclear fire, your bum will live on with child of a child of a child of a child of Mrs Gurgle. That child will have the spirit of your left buttock and will be the leader of the free world. (only a lot less Trumpy).
Interestingly enough, at about the same time there will be a rise of mutated sentient sharks. No one will know why these sharks build underwater monuments dedicated to their deity, and why these monuments so strongly resemble a pair of feet attached to a relatively small torpedo.
(Yes, there are some things cannibals just do not eat and throw overboard of their canoes)
(I bet when you woke up this morning you didn’t think that this will be a topic for some dudes’ fevered imaginative speculations, eh?)

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