my brain just threw up a little…

October 31, 2009

trick…

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sol @ 8:39 pm

knock knock – who is there – we are here for free candy – fuck you in your fat face, get lost!

Dog goes nuts, there are people at the door. I open the door. There is a group of three-foot tall chubsters dressed the part for halloween, all chaperoned by their pudgy greasy fuckfaced parental unit. One Pudgy breeder per bundle of gluttonous underage freeloaders. Discombobulated chorus of little voices groans “trick or treat…” One of them hiccuped, the rest stuck their bags and pumpkins out. Moment stretches forever… Casting frown and reaching behind my back as if about to grab something I growl “Trick.” Parental unit nearly has a stroke and begins to usher vampiric blobs of lard off of my porch while obviously biting it’s tongue. After leaving my porch, parental unit flips me off and lips “asshole!” while moving to the neighbors house. I smile. I nod. I follow unseen. Inside the door of my house I already have a backpack that has freshly mixed two cans of Chunky, smarties, assorted hard candy, some ground up Crunch, and a can of flat cola, all mixed into a triple stacked condom. For those without experience in this matter – condoms are not just for sex. They can be used for storage. Put a condom inside a condom, inside a condom and…. it will hold over a gallon of water without breaking. Condom-stack with liquid is placed inside a rubber bucket. Bucket is inside the backpack along with ductape, twine, spare lighter, and a paperclip. So, follow the parental unit at a good distance. Note the house in which he/she lives. Come back at about 4AM with your backpack. Leave your car’s window cracked open just a little. I put the end of the twine through the opening in my car’s window leaving the spool inside the car. It unwound as I approached the porch with the rubber bucket.  I plant the payload at the top of their porch’s steps leaving the end of the twine with the paperclip on the twine resting under the blob. Back to the car, yanked twine rips the rubbers, and I drive off. Flip me off next year… that’s if you live long enough without dropping with a fucking heart-attack, you pudgy fuck. If I could donate a stairmaster I would give one to your kids, just to make sure they do not end up like you. (although they are well on their fucking way)

Halloween spirit, or how to fuck up your kids

Filed under: pranks — Sol @ 5:15 pm

Halloween is an excellent time for pranks. Here is a prank. Please DO NOT DO THIS! I am serious. This will result in some hardcore PTSD for whoever bears witness to this crap. Do Not do this to children. If this shit backfires on you because you are dumb enough to actually go do this – you are on your own. If law-enforcement is involved – you are on your own. If an angry parent comes after you with sticks and stones and lawyers – you are, as you might have guessed, are on your own. If you make a reference to this writ, I am telling you now, that this is but a work of fiction and is not intended to be brought into this reality. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

For a prank I am about to describe you are going to need a skull. Any empty skull will do. Humans do not see many real skulls, so it is difficult to tell a real from a resin fake.

Second thing you will need is the contact lens. Preferably the kind with some normal coloration to it. None of those bizarre electric-fluorescent ones. The idea behind this is to make the fake edible eyeball look real. Speaking of which! You are going to need one of those. Two are fine, but I would suggest one for the purposes of that little adventure. Besides, if you as much as had a clue in mechanics involved at keeping both eyes facing in the same direction, you would readily agree on just a one eye. So, a fake gelatinous eyeball. Shops that sell Halloweenish stuff will likely carry those. Please do not use real eyeball! Those are a real bitch to chew through. Next you will need some jell-o brand custard. Mix it nice and thick and put enough of it in a 1gl ziplock bag, enough to fill it about 1/3rd way. Then add about 2-3oz of cherry syrup. Squeeze out all the air out of it, just make sure not to mix custard and syrup too much. Then bunch the bag up in such fashion that leaves one side of it kinda bulging out, and the rest of the bag gets tied with a heavy rubber-band. This part is kind of tricky, because you will need to have this custard bubble placed inside the skull with the rounded (bubble) side pressed against the front of the skull, just where the eye-holes are. Leaving the bundled up rubber-banded part near the base of the skull. Next is the artistic part. You will need some liquid latex-skin (again, haloweenish shops that sell costumes will also sell you that latex stuff, and don’t you go cheap on that! It is really important.) a toupee, a good brush for latex, and a fine comb. It is very much preferred that the toupee is in a natural dark color. Could be a wig, sure, but toupee will do just as well, and is easier to get in a “natural” color. You do not need to dress up the entire head. Just a part around the eye. Make it look as though its been decomposing for quite sometime. Head will be partially buried, so the only part that will be visible is the eye, about 1-2 inches down from the eye and about 3-4 inches up from the eye. Think of it this way, if you were to place your hand over your left eye, base of your thumb on your cheek-bone, fingers going up toward the top of your head… well whatever your palm is covering is what this head will show after its been buried. So, with makeup skin on, the toupee on and the puss-bag… err the custard-payload! Yes, with the Custard-Payload in place, all you have left to do as far as preparation is the eye and the contact lens. So, leave those for the last. In a nearby park, find a tree with a mulch at its base. Tree needs to be less than 16ft from the path. Bury that skull in the mulch under the tree. The eye needs to show through the mulch and leaves. The next day you are taking your nieces and nephews out for a walk in a park. Dog must come with. Be sure you are the one leading the dog. When the dog pulls to the tree with the buried skull (and the dog better do that unless you own a brain-dead poodle on phenobarbiturates). Follow your pooches lead on a short leash, and right before pooch gets to the buried skull, yank him/her back and ask one of the kids to hold the leash. Kneel on the ground right next to the skull. Pull your pen out of your pocket and brush off some of the mulch and rubble exposing the mirky dead eye sticking out of the skull. If those kids are still standing there, do the following. Inquire if maybe now is the good time to call the police, and gently poke the fake eye with the tip of the pen. It it doesn’t budge right away, do it a little harder. Say things like “Gawd, this is squishy and gross! Is it attached?” Eventually it will pop out of the socket. Quickly pick it up and try stuffing it back into the socket. Let it slip out and drop it a couple of times. Remember your “ohcrap” and “ohsorry” for every time you drop it. Look apologetically at the kids, see if they are still there. After the eye is back in the socket turn back to the kids and do the following. Say something in lines of “Um, guys, how about we do not tell the police that we found this… I mean I just left my fingerprints all over this eye, you know?” And then, after casually glancing at your fingers, pop your finger in your mouth as though to chew on it idly. If they are not running yet, and no one threw up on the dog yet, make a surprised face, pull your finger out of your mouth, look carefully at all your fingers, and lick a different finger as though confirming that they are indeed sweet. Then reach quickly for your pen and pop the eyeball back out of the skull. It is gelatinous, remember? Skewer it with the pen. Let it pop and squirt, it is OK. Then get your pen out of the eyeball and sniff the pen cautiously. Lick your pen without looking at the kids. Look at the skull instead. Proceed on picking up the eye and taking a small bite out of it, after your flick off the mulch. Glance over your shoulder with a quick guilty glance of a kid who got caught eating dessert before dinner, and mumble “oh its good, just a bit on a salty side, but it tingles…” Kids still there? Good! Take the pen to the eye-socket. A poke at the bag will result in bloody puss pouring out of the socket. You will have it on your pen. Try shaking it off of your pen. Custard is sticky, you will need to use your fingers to wipe it off. Turn again to the kids and say “um, we really should not SHARE this with the police…” place a casual finger with custard in your mouth, and continue with “OK kids?”

If these children are not puking and screaming yet, that would be because either you are doing something wrong, or they belong on the FBI watch list.

Michael brings best dead cats

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sol @ 3:04 pm
I could be a spy, no?

I could be a spy, no?

laptop battery dead

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sol @ 2:34 pm

… and like anything cheap it ends up costing me twice. sigh

October 30, 2009

on food

Filed under: Daily Crazies — Sol @ 7:15 pm

a fellow I knew said once “Love may taste like pizza. Pizza, however, should not taste like love. So no anchovies please!”

October 25, 2009

“How much do you love me?”

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sol @ 5:48 am

French film. Skinny reads something in lines of an un-romantic comedy. Exactly forty minutes into this I slammed pause button, stood up staring at the screen with my fucking eyes bulging out, and wished for a fucking heart-attack. As in for real, BAM-DEAD kind.

See for yourself. And I suggest against any heart-attack, btw.

October 24, 2009

so about your fat fucking face…

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sol @ 8:46 pm

http://www.engadget.com/2009/10/23/windows-7-whopper-claims-its-first-victim-video/

October 23, 2009

demon blood…

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sol @ 10:24 pm

so… um… right! Dragon Age, the game. I hear it is getting shipped with this:

darkspawn2_500x325 According to http://www.cnet.com/8301-18603_1-10382131-73.html ,  this is a vial of what makers call a “demon blood” and it gets shipped with the game (?)…
Imagine what goes through the head of that one chinese ex-farmer as he assembles this box and stuffs in with straw and all that crap. “Hey, that pays!”

So, um… there is this other one from TrueBlood:

trubloodbeverage

and ofcourse this:

manapotion

So I wonder… is there a conspiracy theory that connects gaming industry, show and entertainment industry, soft-drink companies, dental health industry, and dental and health insurance industry?

Did they all just get together in some office with fat-free celery sticks and bottled water on the big round table, and report their numbers to each other.

When I grow up I will make a shit-ton of money, and I will dedicate my time and resources to buying a commercial slot during the Superbowl. I will air a commercial that will show the following:

A large plexiglass tank with iron crate placed over the top of it. Inside you see a group of naked people covering themselves with 2’x4′ posters. Posters bear logos of companies these people own. Soft-drinks and dental insurance, the whole lot of them… Some of them are still pounding on the glass, others are done trying to make jokes. Their collective filth pooled in the middle of the glass concave.  There is a large grate-plate welded and suspended on chains catwalk that passes directly over the steel crate covering the tank. On this catwalk you see a flamboyantly motioning, red tuxedo clad fellow with a microphone in hand and no teeth in his mouth. He announces something in a loud stage-voice. You cannot understand a word because he doesn’t have his dentures in his mouth, so his rather long winded speech sounds very foreign to you, even though you clearly comprehend that this is some Englishman who is speaking English and you know that the only reason you cannot grasp anything aside from “conglomeration” is because his fucking teeth are gone. And even “conglomeration” sounds like there is a poorly peeled carrot in his mouth. At the end of his long oration he flings microphone off the catwalk, and bows. Immediately after the bow he unbuttons his pants, and pulls out a rather diseased looking penis and proceeds on urinating on the crowd of execs in the tank. He clearly had to go for sometime. Execs are squatting and shielding their heads with their posters. Finally a shiver, shake, fart, and a look of relief followed by a content smile. Penis gets put away as the relieved man bows out.

Moments later a huge container of rotten teeth that came out of heads of all the habitual soft-drink consumers is dumped into the tank, filling it about half way to the brim. Camera pans out and you realize that this giant tank is in fact shaped like a glassware commonly used for soft-drinks and execs in it are much like some macabre ice-cubes. Execs are too preoccupied vomiting and pounding on the glass to notice that above them, with a quiet sound a giant valve hissed open and an endless stream of colored, carbonated, and heavily sugared water started poring into the tank. Foam raised in seconds and after another few moments pounding on the glass had subsided.

Lights dimmed and the spotlight again took over the catwalk where now there is a wheelchair. A woman with a cigarette sticking out of her trachea-tube waves and smiles weakly. Caption reads “Tobacco Co will be next!”

And a friendly voice prompts to stay tuned for more… you can see limbs dissolving amidst the teeth and bubbles.

October 22, 2009

Et Vomitorium

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sol @ 2:20 pm

Ganked from http://news.cnet.com/8301-17938_105-10381091-1.html

windows7whopper-lg_270x381

Cam made the best comment about this after looking at it for a minute he said “Where is the cheese?”

According to the article this is not a joke. This is a very real 5″ tall burger sold in Japan for 777Yen. Limited time only. Good! They will do fine without the obesity.

Hey, I wonder if that “Supersize Me” dude would last a month on these things, or would he kick the bucket after a week…

minor swing improv by norgaard jones project

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sol @ 11:55 am

Oh well… link is dead. Apparently whoever owned the content decided that it should not be shared. buggery. Here is Will with the weather!

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