my brain just threw up a little…

March 30, 2010

free lunch

Filed under: Daily Crazies,lawls — Sol @ 12:09 am

a clear plastic container of hummus – $4.60something

a clear plastic container of tabbouli – $3.78-ish

taking both home after a day of work to take a bite of tabouli to find it whilted – really fucking annoying

taking a bite of hummus to find lumps and crusty bits – doubly so…

returning to the store inside 10 minutes and offering both containers to a friendly returns-clerk asking to pass these two returned items to the deli manager as a free lunch, and asking for no money in return on condition that deli manager eats offered lunch, AND getting an insane laugh out of every person in the store that hears the offer – priceless.

Oh and getting the refund and using it right away on a very nice bottle of Moscato to go with pears and cheese – that is very satisfying.

March 25, 2010

on compliments…

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sol @ 9:39 pm

“Thank you, you are a doll!”

You know, this has to be the craziest thing to say to a Lady – “you are a doll” because it sort of implies that this person would have to be inanimate, inorganic-fake, that is realistically only good to look at, that she cannot keep a conversation, and should really stay in a closet…

You do not fit that description, well… maybe the closet part

Here, let me try a different approach to that “doll” compliment.

“You are a seriously oversized awesomesauce bag of such high quality that columbian drug cartels are using your turds as the measure of purity for their most expensive bolivian marching powder, and that your bum should be carefully snorted by men with most exquisite taste.”

Neah! This is too elaborate, too much ass and bag and snorting and turds.

Here, let me rephrase this one.

“You are so very unique and fantastic in your special ways, that you could be compared to a ming vase – beautiful, old, made of porcelain that doesn’t hold a candle to a modern day toile….”

Neah! Let me rephrase this one.

“You are like a flower… getting bee-fucked…”

NO WAIT!

Lets see… “You are like a cat, gracious, elevated… a 40+ cougar…!”

NO WAIT!

“You are like a dolphin…”

NO WAIT!…

How about “Hey, you smell nice!”

You know, it’s almost easier to tell a person off, rather than wrap my brain about how to make them feel nice!

March 17, 2010

in the year of our lord 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sol @ 12:47 am

Running home. Fast food joint. Skinny tattooed guy with a mop and a southern droll is engaged in a conversation with his coworker who is manning the register. Register guy is a bit on a large side. No, wait… He is only a bit on a skinny side, the rest of him is on the large side.

KY-WV-MOP: “Louis man, you are a BBW!”

Register-mass: “What? What are you saying?”

KYWV: “You know, Big Black Woman! BBW! You never heard that?”

Register-mass: “What? Um… no, never heard that before.”

KYWV: “You never heard that? I thought you watch the internet, man”

Register-mass: “yeah, but…” *grumbles and walks away.

I walked out of the store my fries told me “this is why we can’t have nicer things”…

i liked this… this makes my Inner Retard all moist.

Filed under: commentary — Sol @ 12:32 am

So, I watched “Conversations with other women.” I came to a conclusion that I am an opinionated asshole. I am, really. I already knew that, so noting new about that. Except for this tune that was in the movie. It kind of made my day. I like this. It is pretty. **insert sloppy grin HERE**

Oh and I like the lady singing it. She is fun! Well, she seems fun, see? Sell some tires, dodge some revolutionaries, do some modeling, write some nice tunes, bang a president without a blue dress, cigar or some dentures involved – you are fun.

J’en connais des qui charment,
Des qui me laissent femme,
J’en connais qui me pâment…
J’en connais des jolis,
Des qui roule comme des filles,
Des qui me piquent mes bodys…

I know some people who charm
Some who makes me fel like a woman
I know some people who swoon
I know good-looking people
Some who have a rooling gait
Some who steal my bras

J’en connais tant tellement ça me prend tout mon temps,
Et même ma maman qui m’adore tendrement,
Elle me dit : “C’est pas bien, ce n’est pas bon tout ce rien,
Reprends ton droit chemin…”

I know so many people that I don’t have a second left
And even my mum, who loves me with tenderness
Tells me everytime : “That’s not a good thing, what’s all that nothingness
Come back on the right way”

J’en connais des superbes,
Des bien-mûrs, des acerbes,
Des velus, des imberbes,
J’en connais des sublimes,
Des mendiants, des richissimes,
Des que la vie abîme…

I do know superb people
Mature people, bitter people
Hairy people, hairless people
I know sublime people
Mendicant people, wealthy people
Some people hurted by life

J’en connais même tellement ça me prend trop de temps,
Et ma pauvre maman se dit en soupirant,
“Qu’ais-je fait pour cela ? Est-ce de ma faute à moi,
Si ma fille est comme ça ?”

I know so many people that I don’t have a minute left
And my poor mummy often thinks with a sigh
“What have I done? Is it my fault
If my daughter acts this way?”

J’en connais dans chaque port,
Dans chaque Sud, dans chaque Nord,
J’en connais sans efforts,
J’en connais qui vont dire,
Que je suis bonne à maudire,
Et moi ça me fait sourire…

I know people from every harbor
From every South, from every North
I know them without an effort
And I do know people who will say
That I’m a gossip
And that makes me smile…

(translation honestly stolen from http://www.allthelyrics.com/forum/french-lyrics-translation/17345-jen-connais-carla-bruni.html )

March 14, 2010

trololololol… ?

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sol @ 10:18 am

this is some seriously retarded shit. Please do not attempt to watch the entire thing, you might end up having nightmares about this guy. Listen, I am certain he is a nice fellow and a Russian Pop star or some such. I understand the vocal range of his made him a valuable asset and a person of great importance… or some such. But oh dear fluffy lord does this man look retarded…

March 12, 2010

ethics my ass… haha

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sol @ 6:46 pm

I had my physical earlier today. Doc was keeping a straight face and was being very professional. During prostate exam I said “this is going to cost you extra.” She still managed to keep a straight face. Shortly after while her and I were talking about dangers of stress, I said “please put your finger back in and rotate it exactly one quarter turn counter-clockwise to re-tune my brain.” At which point of time she could no longer keep a straight face.
./win

March 4, 2010

boondock saints 2.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sol @ 1:56 pm

I liked the 1st one. I really liked the 1st one. Smelling of a comic book, stereotypes your average PC tosser would never ever admit to EVER, with all it’s charm, it should’ve been left alone. No Boondock Saints Two. Just One, ok? This film squeezed out of the fuming cancerous asshole of Hollywood is NOT worth your time.
They could’ve cured it with a sudden appearance of Godzilla with a machine-gun dick, fucking the bad guys as he sneaks up on them. But instead they allocated their resources on paying a ton to Billy Connoly and he puckered up and did all the acting in that turd of a film.
Also, remember that girl from Dexter? The Last TubGirl of Season three? That actress (sorry, I did not bother looking up her name) did such fine job portraying that ever annoying woman, …. well she is in Saints. I was so hoping this character would get shot in the head. Twice… Yes, this character was also annoying and overdone.

March 2, 2010

awesome rgm

Filed under: random crazies,Uncategorized — Sol @ 9:08 pm

here is some wisdom for you

Filed under: lawls — Sol @ 8:26 pm

“You know what Chinese say – Beat a kid every day. If you do not know why, the kid will.” (Bloodsucking Fiends – Christopher Moore)

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