my brain just threw up a little…

October 31, 2009

Halloween spirit, or how to fuck up your kids

Filed under: pranks — Sol @ 5:15 pm

Halloween is an excellent time for pranks. Here is a prank. Please DO NOT DO THIS! I am serious. This will result in some hardcore PTSD for whoever bears witness to this crap. Do Not do this to children. If this shit backfires on you because you are dumb enough to actually go do this – you are on your own. If law-enforcement is involved – you are on your own. If an angry parent comes after you with sticks and stones and lawyers – you are, as you might have guessed, are on your own. If you make a reference to this writ, I am telling you now, that this is but a work of fiction and is not intended to be brought into this reality. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

For a prank I am about to describe you are going to need a skull. Any empty skull will do. Humans do not see many real skulls, so it is difficult to tell a real from a resin fake.

Second thing you will need is the contact lens. Preferably the kind with some normal coloration to it. None of those bizarre electric-fluorescent ones. The idea behind this is to make the fake edible eyeball look real. Speaking of which! You are going to need one of those. Two are fine, but I would suggest one for the purposes of that little adventure. Besides, if you as much as had a clue in mechanics involved at keeping both eyes facing in the same direction, you would readily agree on just a one eye. So, a fake gelatinous eyeball. Shops that sell Halloweenish stuff will likely carry those. Please do not use real eyeball! Those are a real bitch to chew through. Next you will need some jell-o brand custard. Mix it nice and thick and put enough of it in a 1gl ziplock bag, enough to fill it about 1/3rd way. Then add about 2-3oz of cherry syrup. Squeeze out all the air out of it, just make sure not to mix custard and syrup too much. Then bunch the bag up in such fashion that leaves one side of it kinda bulging out, and the rest of the bag gets tied with a heavy rubber-band. This part is kind of tricky, because you will need to have this custard bubble placed inside the skull with the rounded (bubble) side pressed against the front of the skull, just where the eye-holes are. Leaving the bundled up rubber-banded part near the base of the skull. Next is the artistic part. You will need some liquid latex-skin (again, haloweenish shops that sell costumes will also sell you that latex stuff, and don’t you go cheap on that! It is really important.) a toupee, a good brush for latex, and a fine comb. It is very much preferred that the toupee is in a natural dark color. Could be a wig, sure, but toupee will do just as well, and is easier to get in a “natural” color. You do not need to dress up the entire head. Just a part around the eye. Make it look as though its been decomposing for quite sometime. Head will be partially buried, so the only part that will be visible is the eye, about 1-2 inches down from the eye and about 3-4 inches up from the eye. Think of it this way, if you were to place your hand over your left eye, base of your thumb on your cheek-bone, fingers going up toward the top of your head… well whatever your palm is covering is what this head will show after its been buried. So, with makeup skin on, the toupee on and the puss-bag… err the custard-payload! Yes, with the Custard-Payload in place, all you have left to do as far as preparation is the eye and the contact lens. So, leave those for the last. In a nearby park, find a tree with a mulch at its base. Tree needs to be less than 16ft from the path. Bury that skull in the mulch under the tree. The eye needs to show through the mulch and leaves. The next day you are taking your nieces and nephews out for a walk in a park. Dog must come with. Be sure you are the one leading the dog. When the dog pulls to the tree with the buried skull (and the dog better do that unless you own a brain-dead poodle on phenobarbiturates). Follow your pooches lead on a short leash, and right before pooch gets to the buried skull, yank him/her back and ask one of the kids to hold the leash. Kneel on the ground right next to the skull. Pull your pen out of your pocket and brush off some of the mulch and rubble exposing the mirky dead eye sticking out of the skull. If those kids are still standing there, do the following. Inquire if maybe now is the good time to call the police, and gently poke the fake eye with the tip of the pen. It it doesn’t budge right away, do it a little harder. Say things like “Gawd, this is squishy and gross! Is it attached?” Eventually it will pop out of the socket. Quickly pick it up and try stuffing it back into the socket. Let it slip out and drop it a couple of times. Remember your “ohcrap” and “ohsorry” for every time you drop it. Look apologetically at the kids, see if they are still there. After the eye is back in the socket turn back to the kids and do the following. Say something in lines of “Um, guys, how about we do not tell the police that we found this… I mean I just left my fingerprints all over this eye, you know?” And then, after casually glancing at your fingers, pop your finger in your mouth as though to chew on it idly. If they are not running yet, and no one threw up on the dog yet, make a surprised face, pull your finger out of your mouth, look carefully at all your fingers, and lick a different finger as though confirming that they are indeed sweet. Then reach quickly for your pen and pop the eyeball back out of the skull. It is gelatinous, remember? Skewer it with the pen. Let it pop and squirt, it is OK. Then get your pen out of the eyeball and sniff the pen cautiously. Lick your pen without looking at the kids. Look at the skull instead. Proceed on picking up the eye and taking a small bite out of it, after your flick off the mulch. Glance over your shoulder with a quick guilty glance of a kid who got caught eating dessert before dinner, and mumble “oh its good, just a bit on a salty side, but it tingles…” Kids still there? Good! Take the pen to the eye-socket. A poke at the bag will result in bloody puss pouring out of the socket. You will have it on your pen. Try shaking it off of your pen. Custard is sticky, you will need to use your fingers to wipe it off. Turn again to the kids and say “um, we really should not SHARE this with the police…” place a casual finger with custard in your mouth, and continue with “OK kids?”

If these children are not puking and screaming yet, that would be because either you are doing something wrong, or they belong on the FBI watch list.

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