my brain just threw up a little…

August 14, 2019

You’d think I shat on their counter while puppet-talking with my inappropriates.

So I messed up my lower back a couple of days ago. I have no idea how I managed to do that. One minute everything is fine and I am sweating over some woodworking project in my garage. Next minute I am waking up from dozing off in my chair in front of my computers and … and my lower back is screaming agony. I remember sitting down. I was fine. When I woke up I was no longer fine. My movement was suddenly restricted to an old man shuffle, and sitting down or standing up suddenly became a pain-filled five minutes long episode of heroic struggle through clenched teeth and choked tears (very hollywooded hero like). Later that night I tried going to bed and the very attempt at laying down was painful to a point of being nightmarish. The following day I tried getting myself back in some semblance of working or at least functional shape. Hot showers, stretching, rolling on a floor, and taking over the counter meds to help with a massive muscle spasm, all was to naught. So I setup an appointment with a chiropractor who previously helped me. Same day, late in PM. And I contacted my boss to let them know I am not in any shape to come in the following day unless my chiropractor pulls a miracle out of their hat.

I arrived at the chiropractor’s office… stop. let me re-picture this bit.
When I retell my stories I always make it a point to protect the innocent bystanders, and I always try to avoid defaming businesses. I am not going to disclose names of places and businesses involved in this truly idiotic event. Not everyone working at that place deserves my displeasure. Not everyone there is a bad person, and I am sure that whoever started that business did not intend for it to do to their clients what they did to me. Sorry if you do not like it, but it is my blog and these are my rules. Soto protect the innocents I am going to name this chiropractic’s joint a… um… sec, let me see… ah! “Spinal Krackers and Holistic Massage Merchandisers Central.” Or “Holy Krackers” for short.

So, I arrived at Holy Krackers inside two minutes of my scheduled appointment time. It took me a couple of extra minutes to get out of the car because of the sad shape that I was in. At receptionist desk I gave the required information and chatted with the receptionist person. It was the end of their day and I felt obligated to make them smile. Why? Well, that’s one of those things I do, you see? Because life is short, and in some possibly short while you will flatline and start decomposing. All what will be left of you is a decomposing skinsuit, a box of belongings labeled “Estate,” and memories you share with others. Which of these things do you think people will be willing to hold onto? I say it is memories. So I make it a point to create memories that will be worth a damn and will be shared with a happy smile rather than a frown. Mkay? You may create your legacy as a Tyrant, executing millions. I would rather be that guy who says stuff that makes you freeze the day and ponder for a minute with a smile on your face.
So I entertained the tired receptionist person by regaling them the story of Bridge. This poor chap Bridge blew his back out while having a personal sexy time with a screen full of porn. The unfortunate event became public knowledge because his injury coincided with the moment of paraxism (read: he dislocated his back when he gasm’d).
Receptionist was laughing themselves silly. Please note that at no point of time have they said anything that would indicate that what I said was inappropriate and/or unwelcome.
So after the spinal adjustment I spoke with same receptionist again to make a follow-up appointment for next day, showed said receptionist pictures of my dogs, bid my goodbyes, and left the building.

First thing in the morning my phone rings. It is a call from some Angry that works at “Holy Krackers,” and she is telling me that I am no longer welcome in their establishment because my behavior during last visit was extremely inappropriate. Needless to say I was taken aback by this. Mainly because during my last night’s visit there was neither a single complaint nor a request to stop. Receptionist person was laughing so hard they almost cried, which is not indicative of a negative reaction to things being said.
So, naturally, I asked the caller to tell me exactly what it was that was said or done that was inappropriate.
She refused to give any details. She only said that I know what I did. And then should bit off her goodbyes and hung up the phone rather abruptly.
Not being satisfied with this lack of information I immediately tried to call back but no one answered. So I called back after about an hour and got the same lady on the phone. We will say that her name is Flowe. So I asked Flowe The Angry what it was that I have said or done because I think they owe me at least some explanation about their sudden dismissal of a paying client. Again she parroted the same half vague dismissive “you know what you did” and then she added that if I call again they will contact the authorities because my calling them again would constitutes harassment.

I think I am not a bad person. I may be a Sith Lord at heart, sure, but I do not have enough time and resources to return the slight.
If I did… well…
1. Find a printing press in a non-extradition country
2. Print 100,000 quarter-sheet fliers.
3. Airdrop these fliers the day before holiday weekend over our quaint college town by drone.

Fliers should read:
“Spinal Krackers and Holistic Massage Merchandisers Central presents V-Steam by Flowe! Only $9.95/session! Call now to make reservations!”

(and if you do not know what V-Steam is… well, look it up if you must)

Back still hurts. MD hooked me up some muscle relaxants. Now to find an able-bodied person to move a crate of bottled water.

Beware the angries. They will go as far as ignoring your injuries to just show how righteous they are. Sad thing that.



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