my brain just threw up a little…

December 28, 2009

Mutant-Grayback on the loose

Filed under: commentary,Daily Crazies — Sol @ 12:45 pm

Dear female friend who posted about her finding of a THIRD HAIR GONE GR… erm Silver!




ok done now.

Dear friend, I think the hair thing is nothing for you to cry about. Look at it this way, guys have it far worse. As a guy you get something like this: first your hair gets thin. And you think that you are just losing your hair, right? Wrong! You are not losing it. it is migrating. All of a sudden you find your hair in places you never expected to find hair. Toes, shoulderblades, tops of your upper arms and shoulders and (I love this one) on your lower back right above your butt-crack. To make matters worse, you realize that your “migrating” hair has some twisted sense of smarts and wits, so it camouflages itself into an uber-flambee-raver-ish-ness-blah by painting itself silver. How very sneaky! And to make matters worse, the rest of your existing body-hair tries following this fresh trend, and you wake up some morning to your penis screaming like a little girl. So you look down to investigate the source of the disturbance and you find that the reason your very best of friends is standing at attention and is twitching like he is trying to salute you is because… he is surrounded by mostly gr… silver hair! Mine didn’t do quite that. It just woke me up with laughing, and when I yelled at it to stfu because I was trying to sleep, it started singing Stranglers “Golden Brown” swapping out Brown for Silver. We were not amused.

Meanwhile, your head-hair is having something sort of a civil war. Front-hair is in the uproar and  fearing annihilation and pogroms from hair on the left and on the right, so it begins to camouflage itself into this new-cool-gr… erm Silver and runs south. The left side hair is now in accord with the right side hair and both the sides are now pretending to be indignant yet cool and they follow that same trend with Silver! Meanwhile, hair on the back of your head as getting smart and tries to keep away from this mess by moving further back and away from the over-exposed top.

Hair is the thinking mechanism. It is hair that makes men fat in their later days. Well yeah, it needs room to run to from that Civil War on the Scalp, so hair convinces our brain to get fatter, to stretch skin, so hair would have enough room to migrate to.

Eventually we (men) become some Mutant-Silverback and it gets bad after that.

So… finding your three gr… erm Silver hair is not the end of the world. You can always do what most ladies out there do – dye your hair into some obnoxious color of very dead deep-water fish with a pretty and alluring name, get a ton of compliments on it, and worry not about your shit going gray for a few weeks.

Oh crap… did I say GRAY? I meant “Silver”… =)

Imagine a young man getting one of them tramp-stamps with a butterfly on it, right? And then he gets old and all of his hair does that craziness described above. Imagine how awful that butterfly would look with its butt encased in Silver hair. It would look as though it is stuck in a… a web! One might even say “The butterfly of his beauty is trapped forever in the web of his age.”

You may tell me your “fuckyous” in person, Sunshine.  =)

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