I can’t think of anything appropriate to do to him
I mean… I CAN, but it involves a suitcase, 17mm box wrench, Happy anniversary card, a ball of twine, raw egg, lighter fluid, and eventual police sirens. Which makes it not really appropriate for the work environment, see?
oh, and one of those mini-cupcakes with a pair of chopsticks
hey, I wasn’t the one who invented this prank, so I cannot take any credit for it.
Original was setup by Usul-bey during 1812 Turkish campaign on the west side of Bofort pass, and resulting effect gave most the modern day Bulgarian population a persistent stutter.
June 21, 2018
co-worker’s birthday
May 17, 2018
Sleepwalking
sleepwalking
because that’s some dangerous crap, man
going to bed at a regular hour
all appears to be well
suddenly you wake up
to find yourself fully dressed, standing in your neighbor’s bathtub, and your entire right hand is clenched into a fist inside a jar of peanut butter
and the neighbour lady tells the cops “But he said he is going to sing!”
now, that makes for all sorts of awkward experience
(From an earlier conversation with a coworker)
May 11, 2018
From recent conversation with coworker regarding customers not answering important email
YT: We should develop our own drone program similar to amazon or DoD, so we could drop friendly reminders onto customer’s property. I am thinking a reminder shaped like a crossover between a stone tablet and a lawn-dart inscribed with heavy copperplate or Gothic font would be hard to ignore. We may need a bigger drone…
CWRKR: i mean, I wouldn’t be against the idea of things showing up in their house hold for that haha
YT: yeah you would
that would quickly become a door-to-door
nobody wants door-to-door
people get aggressive when their thin veil of privacy gets penetrated by another person
however, penetrating said veil of privacy with a stone missile delivered at 120m/s has a novelty factor, and will likely be noticed with … with more of a surprise reaction than with “get-off-mah-lawn!” reaction. Ofcourse there is a possibility of some complaints and possible litigation regarding property damage, but that becomes hardly a cause for concern after three consecutive drone stri… erm… after “three consecutive message deliveries” to the same location.
CWRKR: yeahhh that whole possibly dropping it on an unsuspecting pizza delivery persons head would also cause trouble
YT: You may no longer have a garage, and there is a decomposing display of biblical wrath on your front porch still holding a pizza box, but you will never forget to respond to our email, guaranteed!
May 2, 2018
Clementine Ford, Ladies and Gentlemen! Clementine Ford.
Dear Angries,
I’m going to leave this here for you to contemplate.
Enjoy.
April 12, 2018
Motorcycle Trebuchet
At some point of time in not too recent past I had this peculiar conversation with my colleague M.
It is quite involved and twisted, but in short it can be summed up to this – someone should invent a “motorcycle trebuchet.”
Initial idea was that a trebuchet can be used to load a motorcycle onto a bed of a truck. Fevered imaginations ran with the idea.
Before long this became a running joke and a go-to tangent for interrupting conversations.
Earlier today I saw an image of a post-crash motorcycle on “Trebuchet Magazine” site. Not bothering to post that. But I did send it to M. Below are the bits of the resulting conversation.
CM: OMG! DID SOMEONE MAKE ONE?!?!?!?!!
Me: I dread to think
CM: DREAD NOTHING! THAT WOULD BE AMAZING!
Me: (not for the poor bugger who was on this bike)
CM: Though I’m also curious now about Trebuchet magazine. Is there enough of a fan base for old-timey siege weapons to sustain a magazine dedicated to them in the modern era?
Me: eh… probably not
CM: And also, when using a motorcycle trebuchet, the rider shouldn’t be on the motorcycle.
That’s just craziness
Me: I know this is a guess-work on my part, but from my observations of individuals interested in trebuchets I can tell you that most of those characters are interested in actually building and firing a treb, instead of just drooling over pics of a treb.
CM: Yeah, that seems like the fun part.
Me: another sure sign that they do not have a huge (or even substantial) following is this; There are no flaming skull stickers for trebuchets.
CM: And after exploring that site a bit more, it seems a lot more focused on the modern art aspects of everything than the loading up a heavy shot and flinging it into stuff aspects of trebuchets.
Me: I say this in confidence because every other building hobby ALWAYS has a “flaming skull/flames niche”
skateboards, bikes, cars, PC cases, furniture, toolboxes, … hellsbells, even CANES.
but have you ever seen a treb with flame-werk appliques?
CM: I have not. And it seems like a thing they should have.
How else are you supposed to appropriately convey the sense of danger they pose!
Me: And it would be a great tribute to all the ancient trebuchets that actually were on fire
this would make for a great business opportunity
imagine
“Greek Fire Co.”
“How else can you make your trebuchet go faster?”
and
“Up to 30% more flames”
CM: I like this idea.
This should be a thing.
Me: And because this would make for a very healthy (albeit slightly illegal) business practice, one should immediately open a second business amply dubbed “Swing Le’Flambe`”
Offering same stickers and decals as a package-deal at a slightly higher price.
CM: I don’t see why it would be illegal 🙂 They’re antique replicas. Obviously not meant for use against government building.
Me: I believe there is some biz regulation prohibiting owning two businesses with sole purpose of justifying raised prices
CM: That’s fair.
But then again, Trump is president and they’re not actually going to go after business owners for screwing their customers (as long as the appropriate bribes taxes and fees are paid
Me: omg, brilliant
CM, I think we just struck gold
imagine this
small treb (about 8ft)
This treb looks pretty regular except it has a sling made out of orange fur. Sling is permanently attached to the channel (bottom part). When you attempt to fire it, it screams “FAKE!”
Market this device as “Trumpolette”
Comes optional decals shaped like flames with commonly used buzzwords Great, Huge, BelieveMe, etc
I think it will sell
CM: YES!
I like all of the things you just said.
Though you mis-spelled Yuge
March 31, 2018
Encouragement and Inspiration
“”Motherfucker” makes for a very encouraging and inspirational word. Especially when spoken very softly and out of nowhere.”
(from an earlier conversation with a co-worker)
March 7, 2018
bucket list
What bucket list?
I am too poor to afford a bucket.
fuck you, don’t judge me!
February 28, 2018
Cyborg VS Kunitskaya
Coworker tells me about the two female MMA fighters.
Another shows me their action shots.
“you know its’ bad when they are dripping testosterone, squirt like blood sprinklers, and growl as if they are passing a stool of a three-legged pub variety, right?”
I’ll just leave this here for The Angries
Pay Gap